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Dec. 28th, 2003 @ 05:23 pm
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I feel very tired today...it is been a hell of a week...lazy at first, then getting to a hectic close-off. Ive been "wired" for eight hours five consecutive days and this has been too much for me, I guess I will need a couple of computer-free days to feel a human being again. No blogs. No news agencies. No e-mails. No mp3s. I will huddle up in my bed with a nice book and some crackers and the remote control and waste my time watching HBO movies or MTV. No CNN. No Eurovision. I wished I had a really interesting book to read, but I guess the present one ['Ancient Evil' by Dean Kuntz] will do just fine. Of course, I am skipping all the disgusting blood-all-over-the-place paragraphs. Probably I will cook something. I am fed up with sandwiches...counting the minutes until going home...
Feeling:  deadtired Listening: silence rulez |
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When I was a child, maybe in the first-second grade, I tried keeping a diary, a secred diary, which was supposed to be full of sincere things, that will make my relatives very angry if they found it. I kept it between the bed and the wall, if I remember right. I was very determined to record every single day of my life in it, but it turned out that every second or third entry was "I have nothing to write about today." The sweetest one was me pondering on what I should work when I grow up, as if that was the day when I had to decide everything once and for all, and complaining that my parents wanted me to become a doctor, which I did not like at all. The diary was very shortlived. My last entry was a copied excerpt on How to Strenghen Your Will, including stuff like "stand in front of the mirror every morning and repeat 'I have a strong will' ten times", or say some stuff before you go to sleep at night and I really followed all the stupid advice for some time! I still keep my diary [and wish I had written more in it] together with all the useless stuff from my childhood, which I just cannot thow away - newspaper clippings of my favorite band, questionnaires on my classmates, old correspondence with long-forgotten Russian and Chinese pen pals. I find myself going back to my childhood much too often these days - is that good or bad? Feeling:  nostalgic Listening: Salif Keita - Madan.mp3 |
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It is snowing outside again, but I like it more than yesterday this time. I am not exactly in a festive mood, since I am at work now, slowly drinking coffe trying to convince myself that I am not hungry at all...Today was quite an active day here, everything going to plan so far, I hope I will finish my job okay too.
This is my first Christmas away from my family - I am not a religious person so I do not feel this holdiday as a sacred day or something, I have not realised by now that what made it special was the chance to sit together with all my family and talk and just be with each other. Not that I am stranded alone here in Sofia, I had a very good time yesterday with my boyfriend's family who are so warm and friendly, it's fantastic! But deep down at the back of my mind I catch myself wondering what the Christmas tree looks like at home and how my parents and sister are spending their time...As trivial as it seems, I am really missing them now that I am writing these words. Yet, it is not the end of the world [as we know it] I will see them in a couple of weeks and I hope I will receive loads of presents, yeah!
Feeling:  relaxed Listening: Stereo Action Unlimited - Hif.mp3 |
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It is a weird thing...to go to work and in fact do nothing at all there...just sit in front of the computer until you feel the world around you unreal and two-dimensional as the computer screen. In a way, it is like a day-off, the only difference is that I should stay in the office room and not lie in my bed at home. It sounds like a dream job..I don't know, I get to do what I like most - browse around the Internet, reading the sites I love, playing flash games, download the occasional mp3, everything! And yet, at the back of my mind I feel terribly guilty for wasting my time away doing nothing useful/constructive/whatever. I could have improved my German so much if I did that instead of staring into this or that site...Well, there are some days when I really DO work...it is not like I am paid to surf around only. Those times I feel more at peace with my inner daemons, more confident that I haven't forgotten how to do things right...that I am still good at doing my job.
Life is strange...I would probably start a new job soon, which will be the complete opposite of this one: I will work quite a lot, not alone in a room, but I will maintain relations with many people, and most likely I will even not have a computer! Now, that is a disaster from my present point of view, but I hope I will get used to it and I will not miss it much...I will definitely catch up after work at home, so I won't be severed from the Internet forever.
Watching snow falling outside, blurring my windows I feel as if time has been suspended and everyone frozen like in the Sleeping Beauty story, I am on the verge of feeling like the loneliest person on Earth, maybe it is high time I changed the music.
Feeling:  contemplative Listening: Unkle - Reign.mp3 |
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